Recap: VH1’s “Divas” 2009

So you know I had to sit down and watch the VH1 “Divas” 2009 show last night (9/17) being the music fan that I am.

Well, I almost wish I didn’t!

Overall, the show was so blah. From the “divas” that were selected, to the performances, to the vocal performances, to the non-existent finale…it was just so mediocre. Jennifer Hudson, Jordin Sparks, Leona Lewis, Adele, Miley Cyrus and Kelly Clarkson were the divas that were chosen.

The duets were at times questionable. The songs performed were questionable. The most hilarious combination to me was Adele and India.Arie singing “Video”. *blank face*. The most questionable “diva” award of the night goes to Miley Cyrus. *another blank stare*.

The overall show was just not enough flash and bang worthy of the “Divas” title. Paula Abdul hosting was probably a good idea on paper, but it came across as robotic at times, and there were way too many “American Idol” jokes. Let it go and move on Paula! What was also SUPER PUZZLING the whole night was that there were many SUPERSTARS who were presenters or duet partners — the roles should have been reversed all night long honestly.

Check my play by play after the jump, you know the deal! Make sure you leave your thoughts if you watched it as well last night.

Why does Paula Abdul look like a Moulin Rouge extra? Is she about to bust out some cabaret moves? She’d fit right in on the set of Idlewild 2, if Outkast ever feels like hiring an out of work choreographer/host/singer…

“Cold Hearted Snake” with this cheesy cabaret-audio makeover…she took all the edge out of this song. And Paula’s performing but lip-syncing. How dreadful.

I can’t believe they are opening this show showing Simon Cowell and Paula as “Opposites Attract” LOL, nah unh. And Ryan Seacrest was in the promos? Paula, let it go, separate yourself from “Idol”. But this opening is kind of…not “Diva” worthy. Paula is PAULA but she kind of is killing me by not singing…when all these other chicks are going to…sing.

“Straight Up” still goes HARD though after all these years. Even though Paula ain’t even trying to fake the front like she is singing, and we know she isn’t so that’s probably for the better LOL. They shoulda cut this performance after “Straight Up” – we really don’t want to hear “Forever Your Girl”…and is it just me, but…I don’t believe that audience is clapping THAT loud LOL. They LOOK kind of dead…clap track? Hmmm.

Paula ain’t even out of breath – we.are.not.amused!

I just realized how many American Idol/Reality Show chicks are on this show tonight. Jennifer Hudson, Leona Lewis, Jordin Sparks and Miley Cyrus (kind of). Wamp! Is this what American music has been reduced to? I mean, no shade to any of them, but you get my drift.

Jennifer Hudon’s first and she is singing…They got all the flattering shots of her, she’s looking TOO good LOL. Then they show her taped interview and she has on this odd 80’s inspired blouse? Girl what? Why? LOL love you though!

“Spotlight” – are they having sound issues? Shame, she missed her cue! Not a good start to the show, especially after Paula’s janky opening. Jennifer looks good, I just rememberd she had a baby not too long ago. They need something behind her because visually, this performance is boring. She needs dancers, sparkles, gay men voguing, SOMETHING. All I can see when they zoom out are her skin-tight pants. I need her to be working this stage a little more, but she sounds good for the most part. I think she just tipped over in them boots/heels she got on.

I’m wondering if the pregnancy temporarily affected her voice? She sounds a little rusty throughout this performance, and you can tell she’s making constant adjustments because some notes are hard to hit…toward the end she hit some bum notes though…*sad face* I think that was the first J. Hud performance that I didn’t like. EVER.

LOL @ them coming back from commercial playing a Keri Hilson song…wamp.

Kathy Griffin…#fact, I love Kathy Griffin. Despite her saying some WRONG ish, LOL, her show is hilarious. Kathy’s wig is probably way more expensive than Paula’s, but Paula’s is the better looking one. FACT #2 LOL. Did Kathy make a barebacking joke about Simon and Ryan…wow.

Kelly Clarkson has put on weight, and she carries it OK, but you really realize it during her taped interview when they show all her old video clips and whatnot. But when she performs she kinda looks like Adele LOL, that’s ALL bad. Sorry.

She’s performing “Already Gone”, and she actually sounds really good. Nice stripped down performance, I got nothing bad to say. Her stage was more together than Jennifer’s was, she had a nice string section, etc.

Keri Hilson and Corbin Bleu are presenting LOL! Poor Keri.

Jordin Sparks is up next – I don’t understand why they are showing video of her getting her nails done. To me, this just shows how much she’s NOT done yet. She’s so young! She’s awesome, and she has so far to go – but she’s not done enough to be classified as a “diva” to me.

She’s singing her new song “S.O.S. (Let The Music Play)” and this song is just…where are the power ballads!? “Battlefield”? “One Step At A Time”? I feel like this is just not enough and/or, dare I say it, too young? At least she has dancers and what not though…visually it’s more interesting than Jennifer’s on a younger slant. Kelly’s performance was more “adult” though, which is understandable. Jordin looks great though, but her excellent voice is wasted on this song for this performance.

Kim Zolciak, NeNe and Beth Frankel (who’s that?). Did NeNe just do Wendy Williams’ “How you doing?” LOL too funny. No Kim did NOT just announce herself as a singer? And promoed her song. “I got a song called ‘Tardy for the Party’ and it’s a big hit!” *dead*

Adele is about to perform…now, I love her voice, but this chick has ONE ALBUM. One mainstream one. This show is a travesty. Her voice is so smooth and full though, I love it. She’s performing “Hometown Glory”, which I’d venture most Americans have never heard before if they aren’t fans. I can’t see them falling in love with Adele over this song right now either, because it’s kind of a boring, laidback song. With her accent too, it’s always a little hard to decipher some of her lyrics though. It’s her and a piano though, which definitely makes you pay attention to her voice, so that was a good idea. No shade, I love Adele though. But again, a questionable choice…of “diva” and her song selection.

Why does Paula Abdul have on a blonde wig and looks like a man? Oh, I think she’s supposed to be Ellen DeGeneres? Nah unh I can’t tonight. Oh this is supposed to be a joke about her getting a talk show? OH this is about Paula losing her spot to Ellen on Idol…WHY ALL THE IDOL REFERENCES!?

Toni Braxton is such a MILF. Sorry. LOL, HOWEVER, she shoulda boycotted this mess and presenting! I mean, YOU ARE A DIVA. And you introducing Leona Lewis? I mean, the humanity.

Leona Lewis is SO fine though, for real. I’d give 5 minutes of my future to talk to her right now for 3 LOL! I love how she says “Div-er” with her British accent HAHA! So cute.

Rickey Minor (the Musical Director for a lot of these award shows) probably makes more money than ALL the divas this year – he’s been in the business forever! Most of these chicks…you get my drift.

She singing her new song “Happy” – she’s been all over TV the past couple of days singing this joint. She has praise dancers though. Nah unh LOL. They look like Vogue Evolution meets First Baptist Church Mime Team HAHA.

Leona is actually the only person that LOOKS like a diva to me so far though. The looks, the dress…she looks more “diva-ish” stylistically. Ugh, there is ONE note in this song when she says “pass me by” that drives me crazy. She always sounds flat or something on it – it just sticks out weirdly. She needs to work on her stage performance though too. They have these big songs and personalities supposedly because they are divas, but I am so bored. I think so far Adele has had the best vocal performance of the night.

Patti LaBelle, Mariah, and Whitney and them never leave us bored. Even post Bobby Brown Whitney commands a stage – none of these chicks are really doing that.

OK this little kids choir they got singing the divas songs are more interesting than the actual divas HAHAHA. The girl singing “Bleeding Love” had sound effects and moves everything – she cut herself everytime she sung “you cut me open!” HA!

Leona Lewis and Cyndi Lauper are singing “True Colors”…Cyndi Lauper always reminds me of that one auntie who you LOVE because she is always drunk and she gives you a $5 to not tell your grandma you saw her out back taking a shot of Yak out her faux diamond encrusted flask LOL.

Cyndi Lauper’s voice sounds like sandpaper though singing with Leona Lewis though HA! Her tone is just all gravelly until the very end when she RANDOMLY busts out this note as she plays her lap guitar. HAHA LOVE HER! That was pretty interesting! Cool. Best duet of the night so far…

The cast of “Fame” is presenting Miley Cyrus. I think I really want to log off life right now LOL. Plus, I know nothing about her songs, I don’t know what this song is either. She was just screaming something about a “Jay-Z song being on”? Nah unh, I gotta go pee.

And she has on this big bow outfit blouse thingy? LOL she’s like, the Christmas present that no voice teacher wants to unwrap. NEXT! She looks like she is about to pop a blood vessel singing the uppers on this hook (if she’s not lip-syncing)…

Liza Minnelli is on stage. Is she going to sing? I love how all the “special guests” on this show should actually be the Divas.

Adele & India.Arie singing “Video”…HAHAHA what an odd pairing. This is kind of train wreck. India look like “why am I singing this old a** song!” And I get it because obviously Adele is a biggun and you know, she bucks the trend. But…wow. I feel like they practiced this song once or twice before they went to air LOL. It’s all super fast and Adele is doing big booming vocals while India throws in her quick-hoarse-Whitney-Houston-like runs LOL. Wow, that was…interesting. I think Adele’s last note was slightly off too LOL. It was cute though. “Opposites Attract” indeed LOL!

Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee are presenting an award? Ain’t it past their bedtime? Don’t they have to get up early? LOL Katie Lee looks bored to tears. Just hearing her talk makes me laugh though LOL. LOL @ her being on here, they were the best presenters though.

Jordin Sparks singing with Martina McBride – again, Martina has been around FOREVER. How is she a special guest? This ish is all backwards! I love Martina’s voice too, that’s a sanging white chick. This “Broken Wings” song is pretty good though, and this random pairing is not as random as the other ones have been. Martina wore out Jordin though LOL, seriously. Her pitch was questionable on a few notes, but she really did wear poor Jordin out.

Stevie Wonder singing with Jennifer Hudson…what! Ooh his first note was NOT good LOL! First phrase though actually. But it’s Stevie! What is this dress Jennifer has on? Stevie and Jennifer trading runs and then Jennifer just going for that last note at the end LOL, I bet she pulled a muscle cause it sounded pained. If I am gonna be honest though, it really seemed like a lot of hollering at the end. And I love both of them. Let’s use our voices like fine tools, not hammers folks!

Miley Cyrus + Sheryl Crow “If It Makes You Happy” – this actually kind of makes sense vocally, because Miley’s tone is closer to Sheryl’s the more that I think about it. I actually don’t hate this too much. Miley’s voice is like, “rock-ish” but she has this snarling teeny undertone which just makes her sound weird to me.

Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port…introducing Kelly Clarkson and Melissa Etheridge. True story – I love both Melissa and Sheryl LOL. They are singing “Bring Me Some Water”. But Melissa is holding it down…while Kelly seems a little winded at times and probably tired…that’s how it seems to me. They sound good together though, Kelly’s holding down the high’s and Melissa is handling the lows LOL. Kelly really has put on A LOT of weight though, jeez. That was pretty entertaining overall.

That’s it…no big finale? Wow. WOW, that’s it! What in sam hell…

This “Divas” was so lame. I remember the years they had Mariah, Diana Ross, I mean, the list goes on. This was SORRY. Sorry as hell. No shade to any of the performers, but nah unh, that was not the business.

Related posts:

1. “VH1 Divas” Is Returning…With Few Divas. And Some “Singers”.
2. VH1 “Divas” Is Returning; Who Do You Want To See?
3. Live Performances: Leona Lewis Is “Happy”
4. 2010 BET Honors Recap, Live Blog & Performances
5. Falls & Flat Notes — We Live Blog The 2009 American Music Awards!

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