Falls & Flat Notes — We Live Blog The 2009 American Music Awards!

So, “The 2009 American Music Awards” were last night (November 22nd, 2009) and boy was it 3 hours of our lives that WE will never get back. HOWEVER, all praises be to Sweet Minty Jesus, YOU don’t have to suffer that same fate! Why? Because I GOT YOU!

As the shenanigans went down, I’m giving you the play by play. Complete with off-the-cuff commentary and thoughts and reactions. So sit back, grab a cup of coffee, because at 3 hours total for the show, you can imagine how long the live blog is!

Overall, there were a lot of missteps than they were amazing performances. But the best and most notable moment of the night was when Jennifer Lopez fell and landed on her tail. Oh man…and then they had the nerve to EDIT it out for the West Coast people. Thanks Youtube! Also, Adam Lambert fell during his overserved performance for the kids. Wamp.

So, hit the jump for the full recap and also the video of J. Lo falling — it’s classic!

Tha Feedback.com Live Blog of the 2009 AMA’s by The IPS

So Janet Jackson is opening and she stole the chandeliers out of L.A. City Hall in retaliation for them making her pay for Michael’s funeral…LOL. Jokes. Her Doo-Doo Brown meets Pocohantas pants-suit is what’s hot in the streets these days? Hm. Other than that, she sounds and looks good. The dancing looks a little hesitant and not as tight as her backup dancers, but you know, that’s ok. She can’t be 20 forever ya’ll!

“Miss U Much” is one of my favorite songs by Janet, and I’m hearing her nice re-recorded pre-recorded track vocals LOL. Janet is the queen of hiding her lip-synch though if you ask me.

Did they just pan past Jermaine Jackson’s oil slick helmet head? It was either that or T-Pain’s face slightly greasy. Not too sure these days.

They showed Mary J. Blige during Janet’s performance looking like “Girl, I know her knees gonna hurt after all of that! That’s why I stick with my two-step ghetto chick swang on fast songs” HAHA. Ya’ll know Mary’s step — she’s had it since the early 90’s.

Back to Janet, — I love “Make Me”, I really do. It fits in with her catalog for the most part too, though you can visibly see and hear that it lacks the same “punch” Janet’s tracks usually have. Even the audience looks a bit subdued, but you know, other stars never get crunk for other stars. That would be de’ classe’.

OK, Janet’s should have stopped at “Make Me” because “Together Again” kind of deflated that whole performance.

Was that Jeremih? ROFL. And I think I just saw Flava Flav in braids and sequins — or was that a Jackson? Oh I hope and pray not.

Paula Adbul is presenting Best Pop/Rock Band/Duo/Group, she looks sober! And great! I’m mad her mic wasn’t on though — that doesn’t bode well for the rest of the evening. Someone go wake up Cheri Dennis at the soundboard and tell her STAY ON HER JOB. The Black Eyed Peas won — but please tell me why they looked like they stepped out from extras on the set of the next X-Men movie?! will.i.am gets one starring role and bam! Beam them back up to hip-hop relevancy. Fergie left out thanking her husband’s stripper girl for putting her name back in the press!

I wonder what Fergie’s next solo album is going to sound like…I bet you it’s going to be all rock-ish. Gonna let her inner YT girl out and kick them minorities to the curb! She don’t need them LOL! Let me quit.

Kristen Bell and Jason Aldean presenting Best Country Band/Duo/Group — Rascal Flatts won, which is fine with me. The lead singer of Rascal Flatts reminds me of a mix between Sonic The Hedgehog and…well, that’s it. LOL! His voice is GO though, phew, he can sing anything.

I see Snoop and his wife Shante are at the Awards. Shante made Snoop’s hoes stay at home and babysit. BAWSE LADY!

Did they just say Fall Out Boy has a greatest hits album!? Shut up and sit down. Pete Wentz looks like a futuristic Flight Attendant w/ his outfit and the removal of his emo-bang. Ashlee Simpson’s daddy must have threatened him with Jesus, them Southern Baptist preachers don’t play!

Daughtry is performing a song I don’t know and as I listen I’m not really moved. Pee break! LOL! There isn’t even anyone in the audience waving a cell phone or standing and swaying or ANYTHING. How dreadful Chris. Carrie Underwood is in the audience, I know she’s just waiting to get up there and be like “Lemme work this Chris, go to my green room and get some M&M’s, k?”

Shakira is about to perform. Is she stepping with the Que’s? LOL that would be awesome. Or even the Kappa’s. She’d prolly drop the cane, and that’s a NO-NO. “Stomp The Bodega”? LOL that was mean. I see she is sticking with the sistas as background dancers.

“Shakira swing those hips like nunchucks” LOL, I can’t with the lyrics and rapping the raps in the stead of Lil’ Waye and them. I used to think Rihanna bleated, so if Rihanna bleats, what does Shakira do?! I can’t even explain her vocals right now. It’s like a mix of bleating, talking, breathing sexy and hoarse whispering. God bless her. I’m so mad her backup dancers are in the audience popping their p*ssies like that! Just all up in the face. Adam Lambert is NOT interested, thanks! Shakira was giving me America, South America, Egypt, India (Far East) and Ghetto, USA with that performance. She HAS to be a native of Suessland, because that was green eggs and h.a.m. (hot a** mess)! She had so much yaki on that there had to be a herd of buffalo walking around naked. It’s wintertime. Call PETA! Shenanigans!

Sophia Vegara came out talking to the REAL citizens of Los Angeles ROFL. I ain’t even mad! Shakira is backstage “YES GIRLFRIEND SAY THAT!” Her and some other lady from the TV show “Modern Family” introduced Keith Urban’s performance. Insert song I don’t know. I will say this though — his shirt has sparkles, his guitar strap has sequins and his hair look like very emo — but he’s singing about “Kiss A Girl” — hmm. LOL!

Reba McEntire is introducing Kelly Clarkson who’s gonna do “Already Gone” — I hope Kelly hasn’t put on more weight cause at the “VH1 Divas”, she looked uncomfortable. Doesn’t Reba remind you of that auntie that carries around a flask “in case of emergencies” but is cool as hell and always has a $5 for you cause you got “good grades”? Umm hmm. Kelly’s looking more and more like Adele everyday. This song sounds like a Leona Lewis song, “I Will Be”, and it also sounds like Beyonce’s “Halo” but she tried to remix it live and add some stank on it to fool us. Kelly sings down though, and that’s all that matters.

Snoop Dogg and Joe Perry from Aerosmith presenting Best Pop/Rock Female. Joe Perry looks younger than Snoop — and is still more relevant than him too. Sadly. And of course, there’s a weed joke. That is the epitome of what is wrong with Snoop’s image and career…Taylor Swift wins, which no one is surprised about right? I love how she wins this award but she’s country ROFL. Let me quit, music isn’t about genres. It’s about Kanye ruining everyone else’s chances to win awards…

A.Rod is presenting Jay-Z and Alicia KeyzZZZzzzzZZzzzZZzz. Can I just say with this performance that Jay-Z is the farthest from hip-hop a hip-hop artist can be? You see this getup? He looks like Fred Astaire’s nephew/understudy. LOL! I mean, I get it, but this song is so draining to me. Maybe I’m not from New York, and that’s why it doesn’t move me. And I love Alicia, I do, and she looks great, but she stays screaming at the top of her lungs. Someone tell her she ain’t HAILING a TAXI! She’s singing a song! Girl, just quit trying so hard. It’s making this performance unbearable.

Christian Slater’s botox bill is letting his forehead be great tonight ROFL! He’s presenting Favorite Alternative Rock artist. Green Day won.

Nicole Kidman (who’s is married to Keith Urban) and Kate Hudson (who looks like her and A. Rod just got it IN backstage behind a drumset real quick) are presenting Black Eyed Peas‘ performances. Apparently they are doing 2 songs — and the AMA’s are calling them the “Biggest Hip-Hop Band In The World”. So…did The Roots just fall off the planet and log off life? Cause BEP ain’t been a band or hip-hop since will.i.am had a caesar fade. Stop! The fact they start off SINGING something w/ Fergie first shows that. Just saying.

OK, Fergie has on fishnets and a tuu-tuu and will.i.am came out with James Brown’s “Sex Machine” wig, Bootsy Collins’ suit and the keytar from Kajagoogoo. This is why they are NOT hip-hop. Their songs are straight up dance/pop. But you know, whatever gets them a check at the end of the night. Fergie sounds a bit painful at times, especially when she holds notes. But you know what is worse? Her doing the “Boom Boom Pow” choreography ROFL! OMG, she looked like she had arthritis and trying to pump up them flat notes she be singing. Homegirl has been flat all NIGHT. They’ve interpolated “It Takes Two” and “Smells Like Teen Spirit” musically into this performance — but the crowd is hype and their sets were cool. Do you!

Orianthi! I love her! Even though she looks like she is about to do a magic trick and pull a rabbit out of her hat :/ Her and Selena Gomez are presenting Soul/R&B Male and Michael Jackson wins posthumously. Jermaine Jackson is accepting. He brought up his ole “Lion King” name-sounding family. Except for the one that is named…Jeremy. The other two? Jaffar and Jermajesty? As soon as they turn 18, I hope they run to the county registrar and fix that HAHA.

Keith Urban wins for Best Country Male. What, Hootie and the Blowfish man (Darius Rucker) didn’t get no love tonight? I guess that would be too wrong though. He did win at the CMA’s and that would be bad, the KKK would REVOLT! LOL! Let me stop.

Kris Allen and Demi Lovato are presenting Soul/R&B Female — wait, didn’t Kris Allen WIN “American Idol”?! Yet, he’s presenting an award with a Disney chick while Adam is performing. He needs to toss out a few bars of “Heartless” because that’s what this is. I bet he hopes Jermaine Jackson left enough Dark & Lovely on the stage for Adam to slip on it. Hmph.

Ne-Yo is intorudcing Rihanna in her “return” to the AMA’s. OK. She’s performing “Wait Is Ova” and I got to say, while she looks great and flawless, this chick sounds like a one-note/one-trick pony! I don’t know what’s more boring, her music or her voice. It’s like those people with ugly babies — “Well what a cute outfit!” “How did Rihanna sound?” “Well, she looked great.” *looks at floor*

Now she’s doing “Hard” and it’s pretty flat. Her and Shakira need to do a duet, no…I take that back. They sound a like, we’d never be able to tell them apart. “International bleating” at it’s best. Oh look, Rihanna’s clothes light up! How dreadful. I mean, how exciting! They detract from her voice and mediocre songs and performance! Woo hoo.

Carrie Underwood is performing something, and she has backup dancers! That’s not country! And she on a pair of Reba’s hot granny panty looking hotpants. No ma’am. This song is all pop-wannabe, but you can only get so FAR when your song has violins and banjos and whatnot Carrie HAHAHA.

Lady GaGa is performing “Bad Romance” and this song and her spirit tongues that she speaks at the beginning SLAY me everytime. Lady GaGa’s costumes are something else — are those faux bones? Skeletons and nude bodysuits? ROFL and the outfit she has on make it look like she has a penis. I’m not even lying. She started rolling around on the stage and it poked up. And then…she broke glass and her piano is on fire. HELLO what is she going through!? ROFL! I LOVE IT! “Speechless” is a nice song though, she is so…just. OFF. But she sings! It’s so weird. Just watch for yourself. LOL. Did ya’ll peep her eyes rolling up into the back of her head!? *Side-eye of death*

Drake, Kid CuDi and Jeremih doing their best white person/announcer voices LOL. That was kinda funny. They introducing Mary J. Blige singing her new song “I Am” . Mary looks good though!! Did ya’ll peep her facial expressions? LOL! They made this song 2x more interesting solely on those alone. Her band is playing though, YES! Rex Hardy on them drums, killing.

T-Mobile Breakthrough Artist goes to some band named Gloriana? Never.even.heard.of.them. They beat Lady GaGa though? Hmm. Wow. OK.

LOL @ this ring announcer talking about “It’s a knockout performance by Jennifer Lopez“. She is performing this already tired song “Louboutins”…let’s see how this turns out. This boxing motif is different though. There has been a lot of sound issues tonight actually. So far this isn’t too bad though, but I’m not thinking she actually singing LOL cause she’s working way too hard.  I love that she is dancing though. She looks like a Fly Girl again LOL. I heard she fell and they edited it out so here’s a gif: http://i45.tinypic.com/6jkebl.jpg. WOW @ her falling! Excuse me J. Lo, I’mma let you finish, but Michelle from Destiny’s Child had the best stage fall EVER!

Whitney Houston is receiving some award they made up for her (International Award of Excellence?) so they could get her to perform and was introduced by Samuel Jackson. She is singing “I Didn’t Know My Own Strength” and it’s of course dropped a couple of keys to make it more comfortable for her to sing live. This song is just SO boring though, especially at THIS key. She talk/sings through the majority of the song and keeps doing this annoying this where she repeats the last word of the phrase over and over again….what IS that. Sounded like she was skipping like a CD. No ma’am. I just can’t with this performances. I think they just cut to Carrie Underwood who had this look like “WHY IS EVERYONE STANDING UP AND CLAPPING THIS IS TERRIBLE!?” LOL. I love Whitney and I always will but I don’t condone mediocrity LOL. God bless her ministry though. Ament.

Leona Lewis and Carrie-Ann Inaba (?) are presenting Best Country Female — Taylor Swift wins. That’s not a stretch.

Melissa Etheridge is presenting Pop/Rock Male artist. Eminem, Michael Jackson and T.I.? Michael is nominated and wins of course, but I don’t think it’s fair for the other artists in those categories because he sold records this year because he died. Not because he had new music, ya know? Jermaine accepts and again, his hair matches the color of his clothes — not a good look!

Alicia KeyzZZZzzzzzZZZ is performing too? Again? Her set is…interesting, as well as the chains she stole from Cash 4 Gold and attached to her jacket with June Ambrose’s bedazzler. She got backup dancers and is not playing a piano! I guess she figured since Lady GaGa lit that ish on fire, she would have to improvise tonight. She hit this note that that was PHEW flatter than the excitement of this song “Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart”. Her mic had major issues though…come on AMA’s. Her backup dancers sucked BTW. Oh look, her piano is flying! This is a good day for pianos I see! One is on fire, one is flying. What’s next!? I think the best part was Alicia pop lockin in a back alley with a crackhead too…I can’t with her tonight!

Eminem is performing “Crack A Bottle” and I really can’t bring myself to care. Where is Drake? LOL. Then he brings out 50 Cent for 50 seconds. Then it switches to “Forever” he does his verse from that, which is WAY more interesting than the whole “Crack A Bottle”. But isn’t Drake there? Why didn’t come out? LOL I guess Drake is like, “I got better things to do”. Wamp!

Timbaland comes out next to do “Morning After Dark” with Soshy and this song is even worse live than it is on wax, LORD. Timbaland looks like that one comedian “Fat man in a little coat!” with David Spade and the other dude. And then he brings out Nelly Furtado and this Soshy chick is immediately irrelevant in my opinion. Timbaland sounds a mess, seriously. This song is like, not a singing song, but it’s not a rapping song either, and the whole vampire theme is just wack. They worked in “Sexyback” and “Thriller” musically. I just can’t w/ this new single Timbo. Sorry! And his spanx-meets-lycra-meets-sweatpants were just #outtaline!

Green Day performed “21 Guns”. I had to pee again. LOL!

Jay-Z won Best Hip-Hop Male and it was presented by Keri Hilson and Toni Braxton. That was two fine women there…my God! “Men lie, women lie, numbers don’t” I wonder if that was aimed towards Beanie Siegel LOL.

THIS SHOW IS 2 HOURS TOO LONG. SHEIZA!

Ryan Seacrest presenting Artist of the Year. Eminem (No), Michael Jackson (I’m gonna say no), Kings of Leon (Prolly not), Lady GaGa (my vote), and Taylor Swift (She’ll prolly win). And the winner is…Taylor Swift!? She betta thank her lucky stars. She sure got records and sales, but let’s not act like she didn’t become a BIGGER pop culture zeitgeist because of Kanye-Gate.

Adam Lambert is up! WOOT! His hair is EPIC ROFL, and did he steal part of Rihanna’s should pads/adornments? LOL. He’s already hit some high notes — but his mic isn’t up enough. I blame Kris Allen! Wait, does he have boys on leashes?! ROFL OMG, Lady GaGa should have came out and done a dance break with him. I’m not sure I like this song though. He kinda sounds like Rod Stewart vocally mixed with the dude from Rascal Flatts…hmmm. He needs to work on his live performance skills. He is pumping bodies with dudes…someone is going to be mad LOL!

He has hit so many bad notes…this is so anti-climactic. I’m sad. It’s his like debut though, and I know vocally he can do better, but I don’t even think I like this song…Adam, Adam…Adam! Hopefully next performance he has is better but this doesn’t bode well LOL.

That’s it? OK. Nah unh. I coulda been solving the Fibonacci Sequence or something with that 3 hours of my life…*logs off life*

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