2009 Soul Train Awards: A Little Off Track OR A Total Trainwreck?

After a hiatus, the Soul Train Awards are back with a new owner and broadcast partner, BET’s “new” network, Centric. Which is basically BETJ w/ rebranding. The Soul Train Awards had begun a slow decline into obscurity a couple of years ago, finally culminating in cancellation. However, BET is determined to breathe new life into the show and heritage, and they did their best to try and do that Sunday night.

Overall, I was just waiting for Chaka Khan. While I waited, I had to deal with a lot of vocal shenanigans and faux affection from show hosts Taraji P. Henson and Terrance Howard. Their skits were largely unfunny and just became a bit of a bore as the night went along. But other than that, the too-tightly edited show was MARRED with largely bad audio, tepid sets and unbearable writing. The only saviors were the few music performances that shined.

Hit the jump for my live-blogged recap of the show! Of course, you can always follow me on Twitter to catch the off the cuff reactions as they come quick and fast…you know this is gonna be long but FUNNY if I say so myself. That’s how we roll! Enjoy and share your thoughts and comments in the comments!

Toni Braxton is opening the show with her new single “Yesterday” and she’s “playing” the piano, albeit she’s prolly playing 2 notes and letting the band fill in the rest. She could perform this song naked and it’d STILL be boring. Her voice sounds good and strong though!

Enter Trey Songz getting his warble on…where’s my mute button! I’m going to need them to give everyone their pitches in their in-ear monitors LOL cause Trey came out suspect note-wise and stayed there the whole performance. That dude is all flash no substance.

Umm, all these on-stage theatrics with this sound sounding like they recorded it with a Mr. Microphone is making this performance EXTRA janky son. And their “dueting” and singing all over each other is giving me cat scratch fever. ROFL Toni is too important and too established for this. What next, Whitney Houston does a duet with Ray J at the Trumpet Awards?! Lord Jesus be a time capsule and a Babyface produced single/album/career retrospective or something.

WTF whyyyyyyyyy is Terrance Howard singing!? I forgot that he put an album out *baby wipe me down*

OK these mofos just made Peaches & Herb roll over in their gold-lined coffins somewhere with this cover of “Reunited”. I cannot with this tenuous performance ROFL but why does Terrance sound better than Trey Songz!? Taraji sounds like Ciara Pre-”Goodies” and pre-vocal training. Do ya’ll remember when she was talking about putting an album out after “Hustle & Flow”…*blank stare*

They are the hosts, and this might be interesting hopefully. They already killing me with this taped skit about Terrance Howard crying, ok let’s move on…they both look good though.

Monica looks great in her…is that a bedazzled jean jacket? Or is that crushed velvet? Someone please explain LOL. She’s presenting Best New Artist. Noms are Drake, Jazmine Sullivan, Keri Hilson, Ryan Leslie and Solange. Keri Hilson won, alright. I think I can agree with that. I’m so mad at her reading her acceptance speech from her bedazzled Blackberry. You can take the chick out the hood LOL…

OK, MC Hammer is at the Soul Train Awards (in the audience)…didn’t he pawn all his Soul Train Awards back in the 90’s so he could pay rent? Are they sitting on folding chairs though!? This setup and crowd arrangements looks so jank.

UH OH THE QUEEN PROJECT (Deborah Cox, Tamia and Kelly Price) are in the building presenting Album of the Year. Noms are Beyonce’, Jamie Foxx, Kanye West, Maxwell, Ne-Yo. YES QUEEN PROJECT sung that “and the winner is…” down ROFL, I cannot wait for their album to come out…Sasha Fierce won. Surprise. She accepts from overseas via video with a fake booty thing on? *confused Chris Brown probation hours face*

Speaking of the Devil, Ray J. & Lyfe Jennings presenting Keri Hilson performing one of her upteeen singles. “Knocks You Down” — you know she prolly tried to beg Kanye to drop by for his verse, and he was like, “YOU CRAZY!” Ne-Yo is probably somewhere leaking more of his music/demos. Oh she does a nice lil’ instrumental medley switch to “Slow Dance” but you can barely hear the band with this janky sound! Time for “Turn Me On” — Keri trying to bump up them iTunes single song sales LOL. Overall though, she did good! *slow claps* Was that lip-synching!? *rewinds* I can’t tell!

Keith Sweat came out introducing Charlie Wilson as a Soul Train Legend. He tried to do a rendition of “Charlie, Last Name Wilson” and his runs came out sounding like molasses on a cold day ROFL, I forgot all about Keef. Not Keith. KEEF.

Charlie Wilson still has a strong voice though, but I cannot with him trying to be all young in his songs, I mean, it’s just wrong! I got to say though, if it wasn’t for the Soul Train Awards, people like Charlie Wilson probably wouldn’t get many awards. Did ya’ll see Charlie Wilson’s wife? *logs off* God bless her ministry.

Ginuwine randomly performing…but notice he’s not performing anything from his just released album. He was robbed! LOL Charlie Wilson tribute “Early In The Morning”, he barely pulled that out because it was way too low for him. Raheem DeVaughan doing “Outstanding” — now this kind of fits his voice more but this sound is TERRIBLE.

Brian McKnight and Kandi are now singing “Yearning For Your Love” and Kandi started off that thing in a wrong way ROFL. She sings so…I’m not sure how to describe it. She needs to fly above all the friends and family telling her that she’s the bomb cause she’s just alright!

Charlie Wilson performing “There Goes My Baby” and there are women in sailors hat’s on the stage? I’m confused? But now he’s performing “Why You Wanna Hurt Me” with Bootsy Collins and Bootsy Collins is looking like Sunday Brunch leftovers wrapped in fancy tinfoil! I absolutely cannot with his 70’s disco ball swag! Oh no then he called up K-Ci and JoJo and it just devolved into a Down South Country H.A.M. screamfest…it sounds like K-Ci and Jo Jo are constipated from all the drugs they “don’t” do.

OK everyone came on stage to do that last song and there were entirely too many negros with washed up voices and drug habits for that to EVEN sound decent! I fly above all this hollering in Jesus name with my mute button! K-Ci and Jo Jo came out hollering like their bowels hadn’t moved in 3 days…no ma’am no sir. They wanna hurt me alright, w/ that performance.

Ryan Leslie is performing “You’re Not My Girl” and he came out with a hot instrumental solo and him playing the synth. And then he started singing and I got bored JUST THAT FAST. Plus, with Ray Charles backstage working the soundboard and the faders, I can barely even hear him singing. His backup dancers were sparkly. *kanye shrug*

Mario and Sean Garrett (oh NO who left the gates of musical hell open!?!) performing “Break Up” and if there is no Gucci Mane this song is increasingly wack. And why is Sean Garrett The Muppet The Pen singing live!? Oh no I cannot ROFL, he sounds like someone kicked him in the nuts and threw him onstage. He sounds a mess and Mario looks like a dapper thug…this performance is all over the place. WAIT, look at the white girl back there dancing…that makes this interesting LOL.

I’mma have to rewind this because I don’t think half of these mofos are really singing live!

Trey Songz singing “I Invented Sex” is almost as interesting as Ryan Leslie pop-locking behind a synthesizer and Charlie Wilson trying to maneuver around that big stage with that bad 80’s coke hip! Come on son. His bedroom eyes are boring live through the TV screen cause we still have to hear that voice LOL. His backup dancers are looking so low-rent though, them costumes just seem cheap, fast and in a hurry LOL. Please tell Rockin’ Robin to go have a seat! 2 performances in one show? No sir, no ma’am.

I hate to say it but if Gucci Mane was free, this show would be so much better ROFL. All this way into the show and I ain’t seen no “Free Gucci” or “Free Boosie” shirts!? Just so classy these folks are. *rolls eyes*

They showed some awards given out before the show and Sean Paul got Best Reggae Album — I don’t know what’s receding faster. Sean Paul’s hairline or the nation’s bank accounts! I cannot and will not subscribe to that.

OK I’m so through with Taraji singing already! Now she’s doing a Motown Revue with Melanie Fiona and Hal Linton. This Hal Linton character looks like he got a brillo pad on his head — no it looks like Huey from The Boondocks ROFL. They singing “I Heard It Through The Grapevine” and his voice sounds like it’s being pushed through a really small straw, but Melanie sounds good.

Now Estelle and Vita Chambers (whoooooooo?!) are doing “Get Ready” and Estelle looks bored and sounds like a man — kinda like that Hal Linton dude with his hair slicked back like Jermaine Jackson LOL. Vita Chambers ain’t meet a flat note she didn’t like either!

Mike Phillips on sax and Johnny Gill are singing his classic song ROFL “My My My”. He started skatting and it sounded like he was burping with the hiccups. What was THAT!? Other than that, Johnny sounds good.

Chico DeBarge just came out singing the DeBarge song “I Like It” and he looks like a penis. I don’t know why he just does! He hit the falsetto note like at the end like he was going to get a platinum plaque ROFL. They coulda dragged El out of rehab for 10 minutes though, I’m saying!

Boyz II Men came out singing “Motownphilly” with 2 members, but there are 4 part harmonies? Hmm. And I think Shawn just left the group! That dude does NOT still have swine flu ROFL come onnnnnnnnn. Then they segued into “End of the Road” still sounding like the 90’s, and I ain’t mad. They have sounded the best so far tonight! But…where all the harmonies coming from, again. 2 people on stage.

They said thank you and they immediately cut to the next shot ROFL!

MJ only gets a video tribute!? WTF man!!!!!!!!!!!! Keri Hilson gets a 4 song medley, K-Ci and JoJo came out and gave bowel movements on stage, Johnny Gill sang a love song to Eddie Murphy and Bootsy Collins blinded me but Michael Jackson only gets a video tribute!? Someone page Don Cornelius from his “Vampire in Brooklyn” casket because I need an explanation! Ya’ll know Don old.

Terrance Howard’s voice sounds about as thin as them baby wipes he be pushing on us, I cannot with him singing every 5 minutes. He’s singing something to Taraji and it just feels akward!

Raheem DeVaughan singing his “Bulletproof” song which I think the majority of people don’t connect with, but I dig it. He got the whole black power fashion/look going on LOL. This is probably one of the most relevant songs to the times of the actual Soul Train Awards. He brought out Professor Griff from PE to do….what? Be a prop on stage? OK. Ludacris came out and helped liven up this performance a little bit but overall, Raheem needs a new single fast! I got a feeling the only reason Luda bothered is because he lives down the street from where the show was taped LOL.

OK Taraji and Terrance’s little bits are not THAT bad, but their interactions are coming off a bit forced and just a tad bit ghetto at times LOL! I mean, this coulda been classy, but I feel like they are taking the “comedic” route and it’s juts looking tired, unfunny and a bit hood. Maybe that’s just me!

Ludacris presenting Best Collaboration — Keri Hilson/Kanye/Ne-Yo (“Knocks You Down”), Keyshia/Monica (“Trust”), Mario/Gucci Mane/Sean Garrett (“Break Up”), Mary Mary/Keirra (“God In Me”), Trey/Drake (“Successful”). Winner is Keri Hilson again. I’m sorry, Keri Hilson won but Mary Mary should have won. Ain’t no one still listening to “Love Knocks You Down”! Ugh. Even unsaved folks that don’t like Jesus are bumping “God In Me” still in the clubs. I don’t agree w/ this one.

Chrisette Michele is performing “Blame It On Me” and she’s just standing on stage SINGING. So not distracting like everyone else has been…makes you really notice her voice. Unique, but after a couple of minutes you kinda want to change the channel. She is definitely one of those voices you love or hate. She is a charismatic singer and you can’t be cute when you really singing! True story! She did a great job, she’s one of them old school singers who makes singing a full body contact sport LOL! She was extra with a few of them notes she smashed into that poor chorus but at least we KNOW she was singing live!

These scramble board skits are just terrible. And I need Tommy Davidson to find a BET Blackbuster comedy movie back to relevancy. He’s just a mess these days.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta presenting Robin Thicke and he’s doing “Sex Therapy” — falsetto. You know what, I liked this song but it doesn’t translate live. It’s oh so thin and boring, cause it’s just his high falsetto all the way through. He needs some background singers to flesh his voice out, some hoes in gold lame and sequins or something cause we’re all bored right now. He didn’t sound too bad though, I guess. Coulda been MUCH worse!

Oh God, THESE TWO AS HOSTS IS JUST TOO MUCH. He all super faux deep like they really just in love and just…right…not classy!

Debra Lee looks like a Fuschia Thumbelina. She got on so much Pancake 32, her face and neck look like 2000’s Michael Jackson and the rest of her look like the 80’s Michael Jackson LOL. She is presenting the last Soul Train Legend award to Chaka Khan! Did ya’ll see Melle Mel looking like a muscle bound backup dancer for Charlie Wilson ROFL! I can’t, he shouldn’t and none of us would have to!

Erykah Badu….YES! This woman sings down period. People sleep on Erykah LOL. I LOVE when she sings “Stay” in her live shows. I’m mad she looks like the Negro Pocahantas!! South Central Sacajawea. Come on sis ROFL, but she always got some crazy costumes.

Ledisi! YES!! She looks GREAT, and that girl just comes out on stage RIGHT. Vocally, visually…everything. She’s the next Soul Train Legend, bet that!! Homegirl sung “Through the Fire” and lit that muthaeffer up! LOL one the best performances all night, and she hit most of Chaka’s high notes…

Fantasia singing “Tell me Something Good” and she is just murdering and bringing some Holy Ghost to that place ROFL. However, PETA is not pleased with that  ATL possum roadkill on her shoulder ROFL. At these tribute things though, Fantasia always gets extra like she knows them and be ALL up in their face. I know Chaka was like “BACK BACK!”

Angie Stone comes out singing “Can’t Nobody” and she sounds good, but she looks like Ballon Boy’s Metallic Balloon. I cannot, shall not and will not be able to! And then on the red carpet she had on that dress from her album/video shoot. She fooled around and gave Chaka the mic, uh oh. I mean, Chaka showed her UP! ROFL!! *faints* Angie got the mic back and we realized how bad she kinda sung O_o

Dang. Chaka talks so fast. She was speaking run on sentences while she was accepting that award LOL. Did ya’ll see her have a straight up prayer moment? ROFL that’s when Fantasia should have came back on stage and straight up had a PRAISE BREAK! Just shout music and everything LOL!

Chaka ends the note with some trademark notes and FIN! Phew.

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